Living Life With Passion » Relationships

The Problem with Single Life…The Maybe I Will Edition

dreamdolive — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:22:57 +0000

2008 has definitely been my year. I have had tons of dates, relationship prospects and fun. I have also had too many doubts about whether I want a relationship or would benefit from one. Essentially I believe that my life is good the way it is. The only thing missing is someone who I know is down for me and only me. I have coaxed myself into dating for fun, dating to just do it and dating to forget about someone else. I am fully convinced that I love my single life and see very little benefit to pursuing a serious, committed partnership. The funny thing about this is that sometimes I feel like I want to have a family, settle down and be someone’s wife (brief and fleeting moments). Recently, I have been craving a baby. Initially, I wanted a baby because I felt that I needed to invest into something that will give me a feeling of value after investing all of my energy into school all these years. I devised a plan to become a single parent (called a choice Mom) and received the support and blessing of my parents and larger social support network. I wished and thought and planned and eventually decided to postpone this decision. Notably, the thing that has been deterring me from taking the plunge is the fact that children are permanent investments. PERMANENT!! Although my mother things we are her best things she’s ever achieved in her life and we were well worth it, I do not know that I am ready to be tied down and worry about a child from here on out. I believe that children are a blessing and are wonderful but how do I know that I really want to have children? In addition, I am very concerned about what other people, particularly those that are in my church, will think. Although, people will always have things to say, I try hard to not be the center of any gossip or smear campaign. I love children, I think they’re beautiful, funny and smart little people, but the children I work with are not mine. They go home after an hour. I get hugs and appreciation with very little noncompliance, disrespect and tantrums–only the good things. Am I really convinced?

So the other side of the coin is: if I get involved in a relationship or in a married life, how soon will I lose interest? I like the unpredicatability of my days but I also like to have a consistent circle so that I always feel that someone cares. This sometimes sets me up for disappointment as some days I feel like talking to some people, other days I don’t. Sometimes, I am really anticipating a phone call from a particular person and get disappointed when I don’t receive it. Somedays, like today, I feel like I am in over my head and I need to back away from my ’single life” for a bit and try to regain the feeling of not being attached to anyone. Why is it that people don’t call you when you want them to? Is that a legitimate question?

So here’s a question: is there something wrong with wanting to be single forever? The problem in being single and wanting to have male friends is that these male friends are not always going to want to be in that position forever. Plus when these friends get into their own relationships, our friendship will change dramatically, which is painful in and of itself as these changes dimish their availability and often come with girlfriend drama. If these friends don’t get other girlfriends, they all begin to think they’re working towards something more with you and get jealous and angry when you talk about, talk to or even look like you want to think about another guy. Then the messy emotions come up and the friendship is riped apart. Ouch!! In my ideal life, I would like to have seven friends who are consistent and constant, who are always there, available and concerned, willing to hang out but not get clingy and treat me like a queen (or maybe this is a bit overboard). We’d have fantastic conversations and enjoy each other’s company. There would be one person designated for sex (if that’s an issue) and the others will have a specialized function. That way I could go and do whatever I like without the accountability to one person and feeling like I may be cheating.

Right now, my friends do not subscribe to my ideal life and things get complicated easily. In these moments, I just want to give up and be completely alone but I’m not so convinced that I am ready for that. Don’t we all just want to feel like we are loved. I do. Maybe I will entertain the idea of a relationship and it’s benefits in another post. But I love my single life, so Maybe I will….remain single.

Moving On and Letting Go (Relationship version)

dreamdolive — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 03:32:35 +0000

Last week I found out that the person that I actively loved for six years and thought I would marry (until it ended) was engaged to be married. You know how you always think that after some time apart everything would magically work out. Yeah, well I thought so too and when he told me I was in shock for a while. Now the funny thing is that I knew he was involved in a relationship. I did, I did but I thought at some point it would end and he’d come back. No, wrong again. Well instead of processing all my thoughts and feelings about being wrong, I have to figure out how to move on and/or let go.

I don’t quite understand the difference between moving on and letting go. I guess someone can move on but still hope against all hope that what they want will still be theirs, but can someone let go and not move on? I think that letting go and moving on often work hand in hand except over the past two years, I have let go and moved on. But these have apparently been temporary since I have held the idea in my head that we would get back together and here I am–not quite so happy about it.

A small part of me questions whether I truly am disappointed because he’s now really gone or because he found real love (I can only speculate) before me. I figure if I had found it first, I would not be nearly as remorseful as I am now. Either way, I really don’t like it at all.

How to Move On/Let Go: The Plan

So I have crafted a moving on/letting go plan for myself. Hopefuly, it helps to make it better. So far (over the past few days), I have felt much better. I didn’t even really cry although my mom thinks it’s never too late (See One Tree Hill episode March 18, 2008). Here is the approach that I plan to take to make this cognitive transition easier for me:

1. Accept it. There is nothing I can do to change the past or the present. I can only work to change my feelings about the past and the present. Whether I feel happy or terrible about it is up to me.

2. Process the feelings about the past and get them out. Over the course of that relationship, I was in a tailspin. I was emotionally all over the place–thinking that I loved him, wanting badly to love him and them trying to shield my heart all at the same time. While it sent a very mixed message, I did not know any other way. Now, although I accept a good deal of the blame, I don’t deserve it all. I must admit I can be reactionary If someone does something to me, I will oftentimes react. It might be physical or emotional, through a physical act or emotional resolve, but I will react. Although those times were not so great-at least not all the time–I really loved him and really wanted to be the best that I could be for him. I still had a lot of unresolved feelings about the situation until we spoke last week. I felt hurt, anxious, unjustly treated and cast aside but after thinking about both of our cognitive and emotional development at that time, I knew I really couldn’t hold it against either of us. We were young, trying to be mature, young people and did not really know how. Thankfully, we have both matured.

3. Be happy for the change in circumstances. He has really found someone that he loves and that is great. She is everything to him that I could not be and am not sure that I can be even now. He is genuinely happy and it made me happy just to see him glowing about it (imagine glowing). Although that selfish part of me was saying it’s not fair it should have been me), I knew that sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to and sometimes for our best interests.

4. Be the best person that you can be. Although painful, I have learnt a really good lesson from this. I am not emotionally where I need to be to have a successful relationship should one come. Over the past two years, I have half-heartedly played at relationships knowing that I was not genuinely invested in any of them. I have tried to talk myself out of wanting a relationship and did very well at it but I knew when I was genuinely invested in a relationship, I wanted nothing more than to be in that relationship. So I have been lying to myself very comfortably. Although I am trying to create a self-development training program to cultivate the characteristics that I need, acknowledging that I am nowhere near where I need to be is an eye-opener. At least it gives me a goal to work towards. One that I do plan on achieving.

5. Thank the other person and release him/her to be the best that he/she can be (emotionally and cognitively). Thank you Baby for everything that you have been to me and for me, and for the many lessons that you have inadvertently taught and continue to teach me. Thank you for seeking your best and ultimately my best, and may you receive everything that God has in store for you. As the sun sets on my possibilities, know always that I love you and wish you sunrises everyday on yours. Good-bye.

Preserving Relationships

dreamdolive — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 03:27:16 +0000

Preserving Relationships

As our country becomes more technologically advanced, more wired and more fast-paced, our interactions with other become relegated to the back burner at the mercy of a free moment to send a text message or email. I am in no way innocent of this, despite my discomfort with the current social zeitgeist. I am rather grateful to have a few friends for whom I am very thankful but I rarely ever see them face-to-face. My best friend lives about an hour away and I have not seen her in over five month. Now is that a result of our inability to coordinate our schedules, or perhaps a lack of interest? That is possible but I can confidently say that we have become so accustomed to spending our quality time on the telephone that it has become our primary mode of interaction. Instead of face-to-face visits, we become antsy when our telephone calls go unreturned. Although I can have a complete life in my house, not leaving for anything except food (and even that can be delivered), I yearn for the laughter, and just mere splendor of having another human being around me. Talking to myself and sometimes not talking at all for hours has become my modus operandi. The questions that cloud my mind are: is this way of life emotionally and psychologically healthy for anyone, and Is there a way to remain grounded in this quickly changing world where personal interaction is seemingly no longer valued?

Here are a few suggestions that I am trying to implement:

1. Make an effort to go visit my friends if only for one hour when I know they’ll be available (during the times that we connect on the phone would probably be optimal).

1a. Surprise visits (if they won’t mind or won’t be otherwise occupied).

2. Celebrate meaningful events with others instead of alone.

2a. Make an effort to celebrate the birthdays, promotions, graduations and Easters with your friends and family, or someone else’s friends and family.

3. Have a standing dinner/dessert/wine/coffee date with your friend or friends and catch up during these times.

3a. Plan a girlfriend weekend once or twice a year giving you all a time to catch up and enjoy being amongst people who love you unconditionally and can celebrate you.

4. Spend time volunteering. This presents opportunities to meet other people, provides interactions with others and takes you outside of your own world. This could also be something that you could do with your friends to deepen your relationship bonds.

5. Consider the value of your relationships and see if they are worth preserving, if not, keep trekking. If they are worth it, tell your friends and loved ones how you feel about them and how they impact your life. You might never get another chance.