2008 has definitely been my year. I have had tons of dates, relationship prospects and fun. I have also had too many doubts about whether I want a relationship or would benefit from one. Essentially I believe that my life is good the way it is. The only thing missing is someone who I know is down for me and only me. I have coaxed myself into dating for fun, dating to just do it and dating to forget about someone else. I am fully convinced that I love my single life and see very little benefit to pursuing a serious, committed partnership. The funny thing about this is that sometimes I feel like I want to have a family, settle down and be someone’s wife (brief and fleeting moments). Recently, I have been craving a baby. Initially, I wanted a baby because I felt that I needed to invest into something that will give me a feeling of value after investing all of my energy into school all these years. I devised a plan to become a single parent (called a choice Mom) and received the support and blessing of my parents and larger social support network. I wished and thought and planned and eventually decided to postpone this decision. Notably, the thing that has been deterring me from taking the plunge is the fact that children are permanent investments. PERMANENT!! Although my mother things we are her best things she’s ever achieved in her life and we were well worth it, I do not know that I am ready to be tied down and worry about a child from here on out. I believe that children are a blessing and are wonderful but how do I know that I really want to have children? In addition, I am very concerned about what other people, particularly those that are in my church, will think. Although, people will always have things to say, I try hard to not be the center of any gossip or smear campaign. I love children, I think they’re beautiful, funny and smart little people, but the children I work with are not mine. They go home after an hour. I get hugs and appreciation with very little noncompliance, disrespect and tantrums–only the good things. Am I really convinced?
So the other side of the coin is: if I get involved in a relationship or in a married life, how soon will I lose interest? I like the unpredicatability of my days but I also like to have a consistent circle so that I always feel that someone cares. This sometimes sets me up for disappointment as some days I feel like talking to some people, other days I don’t. Sometimes, I am really anticipating a phone call from a particular person and get disappointed when I don’t receive it. Somedays, like today, I feel like I am in over my head and I need to back away from my ’single life” for a bit and try to regain the feeling of not being attached to anyone. Why is it that people don’t call you when you want them to? Is that a legitimate question?
So here’s a question: is there something wrong with wanting to be single forever? The problem in being single and wanting to have male friends is that these male friends are not always going to want to be in that position forever. Plus when these friends get into their own relationships, our friendship will change dramatically, which is painful in and of itself as these changes dimish their availability and often come with girlfriend drama. If these friends don’t get other girlfriends, they all begin to think they’re working towards something more with you and get jealous and angry when you talk about, talk to or even look like you want to think about another guy. Then the messy emotions come up and the friendship is riped apart. Ouch!! In my ideal life, I would like to have seven friends who are consistent and constant, who are always there, available and concerned, willing to hang out but not get clingy and treat me like a queen (or maybe this is a bit overboard). We’d have fantastic conversations and enjoy each other’s company. There would be one person designated for sex (if that’s an issue) and the others will have a specialized function. That way I could go and do whatever I like without the accountability to one person and feeling like I may be cheating.
Right now, my friends do not subscribe to my ideal life and things get complicated easily. In these moments, I just want to give up and be completely alone but I’m not so convinced that I am ready for that. Don’t we all just want to feel like we are loved. I do. Maybe I will entertain the idea of a relationship and it’s benefits in another post. But I love my single life, so Maybe I will….remain single.
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