Last week I found out that the person that I actively loved for six years and thought I would marry (until it ended) was engaged to be married. You know how you always think that after some time apart everything would magically work out. Yeah, well I thought so too and when he told me I was in shock for a while. Now the funny thing is that I knew he was involved in a relationship. I did, I did but I thought at some point it would end and he’d come back. No, wrong again. Well instead of processing all my thoughts and feelings about being wrong, I have to figure out how to move on and/or let go.
I don’t quite understand the difference between moving on and letting go. I guess someone can move on but still hope against all hope that what they want will still be theirs, but can someone let go and not move on? I think that letting go and moving on often work hand in hand except over the past two years, I have let go and moved on. But these have apparently been temporary since I have held the idea in my head that we would get back together and here I am–not quite so happy about it.
A small part of me questions whether I truly am disappointed because he’s now really gone or because he found real love (I can only speculate) before me. I figure if I had found it first, I would not be nearly as remorseful as I am now. Either way, I really don’t like it at all.
How to Move On/Let Go: The Plan
So I have crafted a moving on/letting go plan for myself. Hopefuly, it helps to make it better. So far (over the past few days), I have felt much better. I didn’t even really cry although my mom thinks it’s never too late (See One Tree Hill episode March 18, 2008). Here is the approach that I plan to take to make this cognitive transition easier for me:
1. Accept it. There is nothing I can do to change the past or the present. I can only work to change my feelings about the past and the present. Whether I feel happy or terrible about it is up to me.
2. Process the feelings about the past and get them out. Over the course of that relationship, I was in a tailspin. I was emotionally all over the place–thinking that I loved him, wanting badly to love him and them trying to shield my heart all at the same time. While it sent a very mixed message, I did not know any other way. Now, although I accept a good deal of the blame, I don’t deserve it all. I must admit I can be reactionary If someone does something to me, I will oftentimes react. It might be physical or emotional, through a physical act or emotional resolve, but I will react. Although those times were not so great-at least not all the time–I really loved him and really wanted to be the best that I could be for him. I still had a lot of unresolved feelings about the situation until we spoke last week. I felt hurt, anxious, unjustly treated and cast aside but after thinking about both of our cognitive and emotional development at that time, I knew I really couldn’t hold it against either of us. We were young, trying to be mature, young people and did not really know how. Thankfully, we have both matured.
3. Be happy for the change in circumstances. He has really found someone that he loves and that is great. She is everything to him that I could not be and am not sure that I can be even now. He is genuinely happy and it made me happy just to see him glowing about it (imagine glowing). Although that selfish part of me was saying it’s not fair it should have been me), I knew that sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to and sometimes for our best interests.
4. Be the best person that you can be. Although painful, I have learnt a really good lesson from this. I am not emotionally where I need to be to have a successful relationship should one come. Over the past two years, I have half-heartedly played at relationships knowing that I was not genuinely invested in any of them. I have tried to talk myself out of wanting a relationship and did very well at it but I knew when I was genuinely invested in a relationship, I wanted nothing more than to be in that relationship. So I have been lying to myself very comfortably. Although I am trying to create a self-development training program to cultivate the characteristics that I need, acknowledging that I am nowhere near where I need to be is an eye-opener. At least it gives me a goal to work towards. One that I do plan on achieving.
5. Thank the other person and release him/her to be the best that he/she can be (emotionally and cognitively). Thank you Baby for everything that you have been to me and for me, and for the many lessons that you have inadvertently taught and continue to teach me. Thank you for seeking your best and ultimately my best, and may you receive everything that God has in store for you. As the sun sets on my possibilities, know always that I love you and wish you sunrises everyday on yours. Good-bye.
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